I used to want to stay single: renewing my thoughts on love and relationship
While most people dreaming of having their own family, in my opinion, single women are the coolest. Hence I’ve always thought I would become one, until recently.
Being a huge introvert, I’ve always told myself that I’m satisfied with my single life. In fact, I was foreseeing myself becoming a full-fledged career woman and never marry for the rest of my life.
I thought marriage is bothersome.
I have some traumatic experiences with the opposite sex to the point that I would rather not have anything to do with them. I was one of those Twitter users who once tweeted something like “Men are trash”. I also have a complicated family background and I doubt anyone would even want to deliberately get involved with it. My look is very ordinary and I have an eccentric personality compared to most girls. I just don’t see myself as someone worthy of having a romantic relationship.
My circumstances and low self-esteem aside, I’ve been enjoying all the freedom I have as a single woman. I’m not sure if I would want to trade my freedom for the sake of being in a relationship. I’ve heard so many troublesome stories about marriage either from friends or colleagues that leave me to wonder why they don’t just get a divorce if they’ve been enduring so much. I was also a witness to the marriage failures of my mom and my aunties.
So yeah, I told myself that being single is better. I keep saying those words like a mantra. I’ve been telling people who urge me to get married that being single is my conscious choice and I’m confident with it.
Later on in my quarter-life, I’m starting to want someone else in my life. Not a boyfriend tho, moreover a husband. I thought I would want to adopt a kid someday when I’m financially better. To live as a single woman but with a kid and perhaps with cats. I was weighing the pros and the cons before I concluded that it was a great idea. A smart solution for my loneliness yet I can remain single for the rest of my life.
But then on the next birthday, after facing my own denials and stubbornness, I realized that I’m starting to want something more intimate that unfortunately means a romantic relationship. I asked myself why would I even want one?. I convinced myself that I want to stay with my actual plan to never marry anyone. I was fine being alone so why on earth I suddenly have a change of heart? I began to over-analyze, trying to find a reason why being single is legit the best decision for me. At one point I was even feeling angry with myself because I’ve always admired women living on their own so I wanted to become one as well.
As the want for something more intimate intensifies, I look around at my surroundings. The sight of couples in love that I used to despise starting to look adorable and sweet. I’m startled. How come I suddenly behaving like a shallow woman who envies people’s love life? So I look back at the roots, the thought process that brought me to the conclusion that I just want to stay single.
And I saw a girl so frightened of the thought of love hence she built unhealthy defenses that actually sabotaged her chances to experience the most natural human emotion, a blessing from the universe.
Today, I came at peace with the fact that I’m indeed in a phase where I want to be in love even tho I’m still unsure whether I ever would want to marry in the future. Okay, stop! Let’s not think too far. I mean, I haven’t even found a love interest just yet.
But at least, I stop being so harsh on myself. I’m not gonna self-sabotage again with a claim that I deserve to be alone for the rest of my life. On the other hand, I do still enjoy my single life to the fullest. So whether I’ll find a love interest or not, it was proven that even tho I might have to be forever alone I’ve been doing well and will always be. You know, love is always there in many different forms, and romantic love is happened to be one.
The most important lesson is actually the fact that I’ve learned to just let God works His wonder and to let both my heart and soul open to receive any kind of goodness that the universe want to bring in life.